A rep for Paula Abdul claims she wasn’t fired via email from the live-action Bratz movie despite the above clip suggesting she’s insane otherwise. Her rep released a statement saying she quit from the film because she was too busy working on other projects, and that Paula didn’t deny the rumors because she was asked by producers not to.

“The producers and executives [at Lionsgate] begged Paula not to reveal in the press that she had voluntarily left the film as they were reaping tremendous publicity from using Paula’s name to attract interest in the film via press releases and internet stories (over 88,000 thus far).” And what about the footage of Abdul crying about the film on Hey Paula!? “Very creative editing,” her rep says.

So basically her rep is a liar. Watch the video. That’s not the reaction of a woman who just quit the Bratz movie. That’s the reaction of a woman who was just fired, and also happens to be mentally retarded. And is also a child. If I was taking the SATs, I’d rather cheat off the fire extinguisher in the corner than Paula Abdul.

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In what can only be described as THE GREATEST NEWS EVER, Jessica Alba has reportedly broken up with her boyfriend of two-and-a-half years Cash Warren. Not only that, she did it while in a different country and over the phone. Us reports:

Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, called Warren on July 22 and told him, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren’s belongings and move him out.

That’s cold as hell, but this is Jessica Alba we’re talking about. She could’ve cut his testicles off with a chainsaw and she’d still qualify for some sort of humanitarian award. Besides, she’s single now, which means I’ve got more important things on my mind than worrying about little baby Warren. Like how I’m going to lure her into my basement so I can perform sexy experiments on her. Ha ha, I jest, I jest. But seriously, I’m gonna need to find some rope.

NOTE: You’d think giant space glasses would deter me, but no, not even Zombie Hitler himself could keep me from this woman. I think the evidence speaks for itself.

Some people close to Lindsay Lohan are coming forward and claiming she’s innocent of, well, basically everything. Lindsay’s uncle says that her former assistant Tarin Graham’s mom almost got into a fist fight with Lindsay, and that Lindsay wasn’t even driving the car that was chasing them.

“She [Lindsay] may well have not been driving the car. This girl and her mother are letting Lindsay take the fall, but hopefully the truth will come out! That would get rid of most of the charges.”

Not only that, another family insider Gina Glickman says the former assistant’s mom didn’t even know who was chasing her and that it could’ve been the paparazzi she called the cops on. And the cocaine in Lindsay’s pocket? Well it wasn’t hers because she was wearing somebody else’s pants. Seriously. This is what she’s claiming. I’m not a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure if you go to court with that defense the judge is legally allowed to laugh in your face and have you put down. She might as well go to court and claim her evil twin sister did it.

Paris Hilton was spotted at a recording studio yesterday working on her new album and carrying around a new pet Chihuahua she picked up earlier at Pets of Bel Air, the same place where Britney Spears got her $3,000 Yorkie. Paris already has a Yorkie named Cinderella, another Chihuahua named Tinkerbell, and she used to have a kinkajou named Baby Luv which she was forced to give up. I just think it’s funny she picked out a dog with the same wonky eye as her. Although it’s too bad she didn’t get one with the same IQ. I’ve always wanted to see a dog walk around in circles, fall down confused, and then try to eat its own feet.

Scott Baio reportedly tried to get an invitation to the after-party for Anne Hathaway’s latest film, Becoming Jane, Tuesday at the Bowery Hotel, but was rejected because organizers didn’t think he was “the right celeb” to have at the event.

Can you imagine what it’s like to be Scott Baio? This guy used to sleep with Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards, Brooke Shields, and Heather Locklear, and now he’s trying to weasel invitations to after-parties. It’s like going from being the Emperor of Rome to the janitor at a 7-Eleven. I’d post his picture, but the sadness in his eyes would erode your human soul. So instead, here’s Anne Hathaway and her big ol’ cleavage. Yay!

NOTE: To make this a double whammy of people you don’t care about, Peter Greene (the guy who played Zed in Pulp Fiction) was arrested Monday night for possession of crack cocaine.